Today i hit rock bottom. For the last oh, say six years i have been in lust (even as i write this the word 'love' comes to mind instead) with the boy next door. He is really funny and unique, and i just love being around him. I have known all along that he is a complete player, me and my friends refer to him as "man-whore", so i just accepted the way that he was with me as all i could have from him at the time. but always in the back of my head i have been thinking that if i just keep giving him exactly what he wants then he has to eventually fall for me the same way that i have fallen for him. stupid , i know, but i cant help the way i feel about him. i thought that things were really looking up, when he told me last night that he now has a girlfriend. he also mentioned that i should kind of stick around i guess until he is available again. i am simply devastated. he never really lead me on, but i feel so terribly used. and hurt. all i want to do is break down and cry. why is this other girl good enough to be his gf but all im good for is a little fun? the simple answer is that im fat. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT! i weigh 108kg at last weigh in, but dream of weighing 65kg. maybe once im not fat anymore the boy next door might love me back.
i am now resolved to get down to 65kg. i have given myself till my next birthday in approximately 11months time to do so.
so for the next 11months i will be writing here, as a way to track my progress.
for the next 11months i will not drink alcohol, smoke, or take any unnecessary drugs (panadol etc). i will also refrain from any form of sexual activity or relationship for this time.
this next 11months is my time to fix the emotional and physical damage in my life. if this doesn't work, i dont know what else will.
for now, that is all...
